The Legend of Zelda Turbo
by Xenolord
Summary: You'll never look at this cult classic the same way again!
1. Prologue

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Disclaimer: I do not own The Legend of Zelda, Link, or any other facete of Nintendo.

The Legend of Zelda Turbo

Prologue

To some, legends are just fairy tales, passed on from generation to generation. Stories told to children to keep them in line. To others, they are a staple. The hold their very existence in the balance, determining life form death. I come from a group of parents in the former setting. My mother always told me when I was young that if I didn't be good, or do what she wanted, the monsters would get me. I never believed her, but did what she wanted just to amuse her. Amusing either of my parents was a very easy thing to accomplish. With my father working for sixteen hours daily to keep his company running, he was stark tired when he did come home, so as long as I said "Hi, dad. How was your day?" he was happy. My mother was always away with her friends, so as long as I could entertain myself at home, she was happy. I have to admit. I was one of the lucky ones. I'm one of the only few kids I knew, who had to _try_ to piss my parents off. And that rarely happened.

Well, I was lucky until one day. A day that has been etched into my mind since it happened. They had said that they were going on a vacation, just the two of them, and that I would have more fun at home, then doing 'boring adult stuff'. They saved my life, is what they did.

When they didn't return when they were scheduled to, I began to get worried. I started to look everywhere for them. Then, I finally resorted to the one thing that I had so loathed before, the news.

Upon turning of the television, there it was, top story. "Cruise vessel destroyed in terrorist attack. No survivors." I dropped the remote at the name of the ship. It was the same one my parents were on. All they were doing was having fun. And they were senselessly murdered.

My father had willed his company to me, without my knowledge. Next morning, there was three men at the door to 'take care of me'. I told them I was old enough to do it myself. Sixteen, and so independent. Thankfully, there was enough money in my parents account to tide me over until at least I was eighteen, to at which point, I could fully take over my father's business.

And that was going to be what my life would've been like. I say 'was going' because thanks to a fortunate turn of events, my entire life got flip-turned upside down. All for the better, I assure you.

I was out for one of my daily runs in Central Park. I live in Manhattan real close to Central Park. I was out running in Central Park when I came across a path I haven't taken before. Behing the adventurous sort, I decided to follow it, just to see where it went. Glad I did. As I followed the path deeper and deeper, until it finally ended. At this point, the trees had taken on an...odd effect. The leaves were more green then the brown that is typical of fall. The single path opened up into a clearing with a treestump dead center. And lodged deep in that treestump was a rusted-over sword handle. It entrigued me. I loved the old, anything that was more then two hundred years old fancinated me. This sword, was no different. I settled on that I had to have. Even if I had to rip that stump up, I would have that sword.

So before resorting to more brutish means, I first attempted to pull it out. The shear ease it came out was the most surprising thing of all. Before I even touched it, the sword launched out of it's home, flipped twice in the air, then landed on the ground. Filled with awe, I moved over and touched it. Just one touch. Just as my finger came in contact with the sword, I felt my feet leave the ground. I was free-floating in place, all my cares seemed to melt away. Well, that was until that really painful thud.


	2. The Legend of Zelda

One

The Legend of Zelda

When I awoke from my...fall, I found myself staring up at the sun, it partially being blocked out by a figure of a kid somewhere around sixteen or seventeen, my age.

"Wha in the..." I muttered, sitting up. I felt a throbbing sensation in the back of my head, and I felt something in my hand. It was a sword. I looked down, expecting to see the rusted, useless thing I had earlier, but it was nice. All the rust had gone away, leaving a very beautiful sword in it's wake. The hilt was blue, emblazoned with gems and black grip tape. The blade was silver and reflective, almost new.

"Hey, you okay, buddy?" The figure asked. I looked up into what I thought was his eyes. I could see the faint outline of a smile.

"Yea...yea I'm okay. Who are you?" I questioned. I saw his hand fall in front of my face, and I took it. He hoisted me up into a standing position. We were the same hight.

"Me? Oh, I'm nobody. Just a traveler moving here and there. For no particular reason. And how about you? What brings you to this quaint little corner of the world?" He asked, a smirk evident in his voice.

"To tell you the truth...I really don't know. I was out for a run in Central Park...Trying to forget the loud noises of Manhattan..." He stopped me.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa...Central Park? Man Hattan? What in the hell are you on, man? And more importantly, can you spare me some?" he asked, moving his hand before him to stop me.

"You've...never heard of Manhattan? Not once?" I questioned, slightly perplexed.

"Nope. Not once."

"Okay, answer me one question. Where. Am. I?" I asked, looking at him. He gave one big grin before replying.

"You're on the Island of Hyrule. A quaint little place where nothing ever happens. The occasional Octorock Rebellion, but they never last too long. The Blue ones don't get along too hotly with the Red ones, and the Teal ones are just jerks."

"What in the HELL is an Octorock?" I saw him look to his left, and I followed. A small, red octopus scuttled by. It had a great big mouth, and fired a single rock at the wall. "I take it...THAT's an Octorock..." I muttered looking his way. He smiled and nodded.

"Anyway, the name's Link. I travel here and there, just...killing time. You?" He asked, extending his hand.

"I'm Jake Ballenfield. I...well...I don't know how to tell you what I do...Let's just leave it at that I'm a merchant." I replied, taking his hand. We shook.

"Excellent. I'm just passing through Hyrule, bound for Termina. My boat stopped to get resupplied here. Let's look around some together." Before I could reply, a cry for help pierced the silence.

"What in sam hell?" I asked, running off towards the scream. I had barely rounded the corner when I saw two huge goblin-looking things waving spears around threateningly standing over a scared old woman. My eyes flared with rage as I jumped head-long into battle. "RAGGLE FRAGGLE!" Was the call as the sword in my hand instinctively came down on the head of one of the goblin-things. The creature barely had the chance to scream before drowning in it's own blood. The second reacted to his buddy's death and pivoted on one foot to face me. It raised it's spear over it's head and hurled it towards me. My hand involuntarily flinched and sliced the wooden shaft in half, the two parts dropping to the ground. "I would run if I were you..." I growled at the beast. He took my advice without a second thought. I dashed over to the old woman who was still on the ground.

"Oh, thank you, young man. Those Moblins could have killed me, and most likely would have." She spoke as I approached. I offered her my hand, which she took graciously.

"Moblins are vicious little buggers. That one is bound to be back with friends. What in the hell. Why did it attack you?" Link questioned, watching the Moblin scuttle away.

"My name is Impa. I was on my way from the castle to find the ship that was docked here. Princess Zelda told me that on board would be two heros that could save Hyrule from...but I have said too much." She stopped herself. "I must get to that boat." She tried to move, but had hurt her leg.

"Whoa, whoa. I don't think you're going anywhere. Link here is from the boat. Tell him the message." I told her. She looked at Link for the first time. Her eyes and skin went pale, almost as if she's seen a ghost. Then, she spoke.

"You! You my boy! You are the one Princess Zelda spoke of! You can save Hyrule from...from..._Him_." She finished.

"I hate to be rude, ma'am, but; God, damnit, woman! Spit his name out!" I replied, trying to figure out who 'him' was. I know it's improper grammar, just shut up. You know what I mean.

"Ganon! The Prince of Darkness!" She spit out his name in spite.

"I thought that was Ozzy Ozbourne...eh. So what does this Ganon creep look like, anywho?" I asked. Link froze in terror. "Some kinda midget with a bad five o'clock shadow and an overbite?"

"Hardly..." A deep rumbling voice growled behind me. I spun around to come face to face with a blue, bi-pedal pit bull holding a semi-conscious girl in his hand. I managed to keep my composure.

"How in the hell did something THAT butt-ugly sneak..._sneak_ up behind me? So, I take it that YOU'RE Ganon, huh?" I chuckled. "Man, I feel like I could slice-'n-dice ya right here!" I poked him with my sword. He recoiled from the touch and growled loudly. "What's wrong, big, blue and ugly? Afraid of a little pin prick, ya prick. Come on, I'll poke you again!"

"Wait, that's...ZELDA!" Like shouted, taking off running. I saw him leap over my head and land on Ganon's arm and, trying to fight his way to his other arm to seize the princess, get back-handed down.

"FOOLS! You'll get what's coming to you! No one can stop me! I have the Princess! And without her, Hyrule will wither, and will DIE!" He burst into uncontrollable laughter, sprouted wings, and took off. "If you whelps have any death wish, you'll come see me atop Death Mountain. I'll be waiting. Don't be too long..." He hissed from the distance, leaving us with his laughter.

"Cowardly prick! I'll shishkabob him!" I walked over and helped Link up. "You okay, man?" I asked. He adjusted his knee-length shirt, nodded and gave a 'humph' towards where Ganon flew off. "Relax, man. We can save her."

"Yes. Yes I knew you'd see your role. Here..." Impa muttered, producing a battered piece of parchment from her vest pocket. "I have detailed what you must do. But first, I would like to tell you a little story..."

"Uh, lady. I stopped needing a story at night when I was six." I added. She smiled and motioned for me to sit. I complied.

"This land is protected by a mystical artifact from time long ago. It is called the Triforce. It is comprised of three pieces. Power, Courage, and Wisdom. Each piece has the ability to grant it's owner immense power, courage, or wisdom, depending on what piece is owned. As of now, the Triforce of Wisdom is sealed within the impregnable gates of Hyrule Castle. The Triforce of Power was, sadly, stolen by Ganon several days ago. The Triforce of Courage has been shattered into eight pieces; in order to keep it safe, you see. The Triforce of Courage is the most dangerous of the three. When used correctly, it will grant the user a stunning Dread Presence on the battlefield. It can cause even the most hardened soldiers to flee before it."

"I assume this is leading somewhere...and coincidentally most likely Link and I, right?" I asked. She smiled, giving Link the parchment.

"You are keen. An attribute you will likely need. Yes. On that parchment is a list of eight hidden, underground strongholds across this island. Enter them all, and retrieve the Triforce shard hidden there. You will find the first to the north of here, in a place called Castle Eagle. It is lightly guarded, and should prove no chore in retrieving the piece held within. Go now. Rid Hyrule of Ganon's minions, and return it to it's once-peaceful days!" With this, she vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Wiggy..." I muttered.


	3. Eagle

Two

Eagle

The door slammed shut behind us as we entered. Just before the door fully closed, a pair of blue fingers slipped under, only to get crushed.

"I swear to GOD, if another one of those stupid fucking HAND things grab me, I'm gonna ass-rape it with my sword!" I shouted, stomping the fingers with the heel of my boot. Link chuckled.

"Yea, I hear you. Those Wall Masters do get on the nerves, huh?"

"Well...well...well..." A voice muttered from the far side of the room. "Would you look who just waltzed into my little corner of the asylum..." I looked around, trying to discern it's direction. My eyes finally fell on the crown of a very large dragon. Decked out head-to-toe as one may expect. Wings and all. "Boo!" It shouted, the room illuminating swiftly.

"Holy hell! Link! Behind you!" He spun around and drew his shield. I heard a girly scream escape his lips, which he promptly tried to cover by throwing his hands over his mouth.

"If we live past this, you mention that to no one." He muttered through his hands. I nodded and pulled out my sword.

"After the Triforce of Courage, are you? Well, that's too bad! I have it, and you're not getting it! Well, so long as I live, anyway." The creature chuckled. "Oh, where are my manners. Allow me to introduce myself. I am called Aquarius. King of the Eagle Castle. I will take your entrance into my lair as a challenge, and as such, I accept!" The horn situated on top of his head began to glow a rainbow of colors, and just as it stopped, he opened his mouth and spewed a short line of flames. I managed to dodge it, the heat gracing my face.

"Shit, that's hot!" I shouted, trying to fight heatstroke. I grabbed at my belt with my shield hand. The only thing I had hanging there was a boomerang, and I was horrible at using them. Hopefully, Link was better. "Link, here!" I shouted to him, unholstering the boomerang from it's home and lackadaisically lobbing it his way. He jumped for it, but it started curving back towards me before it got to him. I was surprised at myself as I caught it. "How in the hell...?" I muttered, looking at it. I was struck with an idea before too long. That horn of Aquarius' seemed to brim with unknown energies. Maybe hitting it may do some damage.

"Hey, over-sized Gecko! Over here!" I shouted, drawing his attention away from Link. He snorted hot smoke towards me and began charging. Estimating how far away the boomerang was before it began it's return trip the first time, I waited until the lumbering monstrosity got within that distance. "Physics, don't fail me now!" I told myself, throwing it towards the horn. Right to plan, it started curving towards the horn and, with a dull clink, struck it, bounced off and returned to me. The hit did some effect, just no damage. Aquarius simply screeched and collapsed to the ground breathing heavily. Link and I moved in, both of us striking the horn with our swords at the same time. At the hit, Aquarius sprung awake and roared, thrashing his head from side to side.

"Well, that one hurt him!" Link shouted over the din. I nodded in agreement. When Aquarius finally stopped writhing in pain, he leveled his head towards me and sneered, the international sign of contempt.

"I see I'm not going to get anywhere with this...Screw this, I'm not being paid to die! Have your Triforce Shard!" He rumbled, disappearing. A door which he was guarding slid open with a thud, opening our way.

"Tally hoe." I muttered, walking through. On the other side was a shimmering triangle with a beautiful golden hue. I was almost mesmerized by it's appearance. I thought I could hear something or someone whisper into my soul, but it's message was lost. We approached the pyramid with care, and as we got within arms-reach, the triangle stopped spinning and froze, shrinking down to just small enough to fit into my pocket.

"Well..." Link's throat was dry as he spoke, almost as if it was too good to be true. "That's one down. Seven left...right?" He finished. I took hold of it and slipped it into my right pants pocket. It felt so frail, like it would break at any moment. I took care putting it into it's home. It was a beautiful, however terrible object. To think, a man with even ONE of these artifacts would be unstoppable... imagine if someone owned all three? They'd be invulnerable.

I dismissed that thought from my mind. I'm trying to save Hyrule, not destroy it. I was doing good, I am not an evil person. I kept telling myself this to avoid corruption.

"So, how do we get out now?" I muttered. "Because I really don't want to go back and face one of those stupid hand things again."

"Well, we could always step into the shiny light." Link replied, standing before a pillar of light.

"I've always been told not to go into the light." I muttered in response. He didn't seem to get the joke, and stepped into the pillar of light. I followed.

A flash and it was all over.

We found ourselves back outside the dungeon, standing right in the doorway. Link was right behind me with a look of confusion.

"That was a trup if I've ever had one." I nodded in response, pulling the map Impa gave us, checking for our next destination.

"Next up is a place called the Cresceant Moon Castle. Let's go."


End file.
